Thomas A. Edison - “Discontent is the first necessity of progress.”
It’s no secret I am discontented. That the flow I find in my life is currently pretty regularly interrupted by my own brain chemistry or circumstances, and I am inclined to blame the latter since my brain and I have been hanging around together for years now and have negotiated a somewhat uneasy truce.
And I’m not exactly blaming circumstances outside myself, but rather my now conditioned response to them. Here’s the thing. Having children was deeply, terrifyingly hard for me, the surrender of self it demanded, the necessity of putting others first. And it coincided with a series of moves that we made based on Ed’s life. So although I’d never really managed to answer the question — what do I want — before all this happened, the circumstances made that question almost impossible to answer. And now I’m so out of the habit of asking it that I really don’t know how to answer it.
Recently, Helena’s teacher suggested that I might like to try getting a job at the children’s school. On the surface, this would be excellent. Convenient, flexible, cozy. I’d be there for the children; no one would complain if I stayed home when they were sick. Summers off, weekends off. Perfect. Right? Right?
Only I don’t want to do it. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it. In no way, shape or form is it an answer to the question — What do I want to do? It suits everybody else. It maintains my status as helpful, flexible, cooperative and useful. It practically institutionalizes that status. And I feel my throat closing whenever I think it will happen and I will have to do it — for years — and that by doing so, I will essentially answer the question de jour — What do I want? — by surrendering to the apparently inevitable truth that I don’t get to ask that question. That the question is unanswerable. That I am what allow those around me to ask that question, rather than an asker in her own right.
So yeah. I’m discontented. And terrified. Because without even thinking, I’d taken the teacher’s suggestion, walked into the principal’s office and essentially applied. And now they have me on the substitute ass’t teacher roster, which also makes me sick and scared. And once again, I leaped to do what would be good for others, what would be nice, convenient and useful, without considering whether I wanted to do it.
I’ll get out of it somehow. But the question remains — what do I want? And how in hell can that fit into the puzzle of lives I live in?
Francesca
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2 April 2008 at 8:31 am
radical mama
Excellent questions. The same ones I have been asking for quite a while.
But definitely get out of it if you don’t want to do it!
2 April 2008 at 11:25 am
jennu
Knowing what you don’t want to do is just a step along the way to realizing what you do want. I was laid off last fall and a friend/former co-worker pointed out to me that I dno’t seem happy working in technology. All at once, I realized that she was right. So now I’m making a career change and it involved turning down 2 great tech jobs (where were these peopel 5 years ago?).
You can sub at school sometimes if you want to pick up some extra money, or you can try it out once and then have them take you off the list, telling them that you don’t think it’s a good fit after all, or you can ask them to take you off the list because you changed your mind. Unless you really, really need the money, then you don’t have to do it.
I just finished taking a class at mediabistro in person in NYC, but they do online classes too. You might want to have a look at their course offerings. I picked the class I took when I looked at some listings and a lightbulb went off in my head. (I just suggestmediabistro, since you obviously like to write–maybe a different kind of online course would be more to your liking.) But with writing–living outside of NYC and LA would actually help you get published in national magazines, since most of the readers live outside of those places, but the editors all live IN those places so they need writers with a different perspective.
Thanks to technology, you can do a lot of kinds of work from where you live, so don’t feel restricted by location. Good luck!
2 April 2008 at 6:50 pm
Pamela
Francesca,
Please let me first say how interesting, refreshing, significant, funny, and well written I find your blog. I would also like to say that I found the photos that you took with the camera Ed gave you to be hauntingly beautiful in their simplicity.
Perhaps one way to approach the question “What do I want to do?” is to do what you are doing concerning the substitute teacher’s job offer–saying yes without taking time out to review the offer fully, realizing that you don’t want to commit yourself to doing that activity, changing your mind, deciding that you will notify those concerned of your new decision, notifying them, and tolerating the discomfort that comes up when you do so–knowing, deep inside yourself, that the discomfort will pass in time and that you will be happier with your new decision. Over and over… Until you begin to grant yourself “time” to reflect before you say “yes.” I used a mantra for a long time–”The answer is no, until the answer is yes”–to trick myself into finding out what I wanted before I agreed to anything anyone else wanted.
Perhaps another way to approach the question “What do I want to do?” is to do what you do so well, continue the creative endeavor of your blog. It is a splendid and powerful expression of who you are. It is concrete and beautiful. It invites reflection and interaction with loved ones and complete strangers. Be confidence. It is your work of art, as is your unique daily life.
Perhaps a third way to approach the question “What do I want to do?” is to keep remembering that you are doing some things that you want to do and that you are interested in expanding your life to include more of those activities. I used a visualization for a long time that consisted of me keeping my right hand on the pulse of my left hand to remind myself to stay in touch with my internal source of inspiration.
Perhaps you have enough tools in your black bag, but maybe borrowing a tool or two from a cyberneighbor in support of your quest to evolve into doing what you want to do will be supportive.
Perhaps…
Amitiés,
3 April 2008 at 7:28 am
The Purloined Letter
Sometimes I worry that if I do something that isn’t what I want most from my life that I have somehow erased the idea that I should have what I want most from my life. It isn’t, of course, true. Doing something that fits with the immediate circumstances and isn’t too bad is in no way an answer to “Who am I and what am I meant to be?”
One thing that you are: a writer. Now, already–but I have a feeling that you will be a lot more.
3 April 2008 at 4:18 pm
Alto2
Sometimes it’s enough to know what you don’t want b/c that will lead you to what you do want. Then you might figure it out and realize you’re too paralyzed to do that, either. Welcome to my world.
Don’t get sucked into that school job. Keep writing. The world needs your voice.
18 April 2008 at 4:10 am
CT
Francesca, I loved this post. I am not a mother, but what you are writing about is (I think) just as much a general women’s issue and (most likely) just as much a general human issue. Your words spoke to me so effectively that I have come back to reread them several times already, as well as sent the link out to the people I know who would appreciate it.
Pamela inspired me to say thank you. I read your work all the time, kept checking in during your hiatus, and never thought to tell you thanks for all the times a post like this hit home.
Hey, thanks.
21 April 2008 at 4:45 pm
Fritz
I agree with everyone. It’s that damnable question of ‘why’ that we all find ourselves asking. And I do think women ask it more often, with greater intensity.
I don’t know what I want to do, either. Sometimes, it’s just a niggling annoyance.
There’s a little girl who lives across the street from me. She doesn’t go to school for some reason. She remains on her bicycle, pedaling up and down and up and down the street for hours at a time, talking to herself. When I started to talk with her, her mother (I supposed) called her inside. And when she is outside with her mother, she walks three feet behind, always.
So what should I do? That’s how I answer these questions. What should I do NOW? That helps me get to the next place.